How We Discipline Our Children and the basis for our beliefs

2007-12-09T18:31:00.000-08:00

The basis for disciplining our children is the direction and guidance in the Bible.
It is not our intent to debate other forms or methods of discipline, having studied, prayed, and sought Godly council to come to the decisions that we have.

I come from a back ground where I was spanked and turned out great (Sean's opinion!). I do not misunderstand God's love or hate my mother, quite the opposite actually on both accounts. Sean grew up in an abusive home until his early teen years when his parents found the Lord.

Our council would be that whatever you read in a book or on a blog, hear about on television or radio, whatever advice for raising children you are given, please run that advice thoroughly through the scriptures on your own.

1. Why do we discipline our children?
Firstly, we follow the example of God (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) who disciplines His children.

The Strongs Concordance definitions are below the scriptures. On your own, check them out at crosswalk.

Hebrews 12:4-9 And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as children, My son despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him:
(For times sake and to avoid repetitiveness, I will not type the same definition for chaseneth a bzillion times. :)
Exhortation: a calling near, summons, (esp. for help)
1. importation, supplication, entreaty
2. exhortation, admonition, encouragement
3. consolation, comfort, solace; that which affords comfort or refreshment

Children: generally used of the offspring of men

Chastening: the whole training and education of children (which relates to the cultivation of mind and morals, and employs for this purpose now commands and admonitions, now reproof and punishment) It also includes the training and care of the body
1. whatever in adults also cultivates the soul, esp. by correcting mistakes and curbing passions.
a. instruction which aims at increasing virtue
b. chastisement, chastening, (of the evils with which God visits men for their amendment)

Rebuked: to convict, refute, confute
a. generally with a suggestion of shame of the person convicted
b. by conviction to bring to the light, to expose
c. to find fault with, correct
d. by word
e. to reprehend severely, chide, admonish, reprove
f. to call to account, show one his fault, demand an explanation
g. by deed
h. to chasten, to punish

“For whom the Lord loveth He chasteneth and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.”
Chasteneth: to train children
a. to be instructed or taught or learn
b. to cause one to learn
c. to chastise
d. to chastise or castigate with words, to correct
e. of those who are moulding the character of others by reproof and admonition of God
f. to chasten by the affliction of evils and calamities
g. to chastise with blows, to scourge
h. of a father punishing his son
i. of a judge ordering one to be scourged
Scourgeth: to scourge (to inflict punishment)
Son: generally used of the offspring of men

“If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?”
Dealeth: to bring to, lead to
a. one to a person who can heal him or is ready to show him some kindness, one to a person who is to judge him
b. to bring a present or a thing, to reach or hand a thing to one
c. to put to
d. to be borne towards one, to attack, assail
e. to behave one's self towards one, deal with one
“But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards and not sons. Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits and live?”
Corrected: an instructor, preceptor, teacher, a chastiser

We’ve heard the statement, “Well, I can’t imagine Jesus ever spanking anyone!” Please keep in mind that Jesus is one part of the trinity. Second he was never a father in the physical earthly sense so we do not have basis for saying that he would have spanked. Third, many New testament scriptures state chastisement as being done in word and in deed. This argument also often goes along with the statement that spanking was under the law and now we live under grace. In fact, the book of Proverbs is not a book of law, it is in fact, a book of wisdom and wisdom does not change. Even if it was in a book of law, so are the Ten Commandments, shall we then discard them also?

Revelation 3:19
"As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent."
Rebuke: to convict, refute, confute
a. generally with a suggestion of shame of the person convicted
b. by conviction to bring to the light, to expose
to find fault with, correct
c. by word
d. to reprehend severely, chide, admonish, reprove
e. to call to account, show one his fault, demand an explanation
f. by deed
g. to chasten, to punish
Chasten: to train children
a. to be instructed or taught or learn
b. to cause one to learn
to chastise
c. to chastise or castigate with words, to correct
d. of those who are moulding the character of others by reproof and admonition
of God
e. to chasten by the affliction of evils and calamities
f. to chastise with blows, to scourge
g. of a father punishing his son
h. of a judge ordering one to be scourged

2. We follow the wisdom given in the Bible.

Proverbs 13:14
He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.
The word spareth in the Hebrew here means “to withhold, restrain, hold back, keep in check, refrain”.
The word rod in Hebrew: rod, staff, branch, offshoot, club, sceptre, tribe
The word chasten has the definition of: discipline, chastening, correction
Son: son, grandson, child, member of a group
Betimes: to seek, seek early or earnestly, look early or diligently for

All the arguments we have heard against this verse take one version of the Hebrew word. For example, folks adamant against spanking will take the word “rod” and the definition “club” and argue that God would never intend for us to club our children.
Just as in the English language where words have different meanings depending on their usage, this is how it is in Hebrew. In the same way, you may hear arguments saying that the word “son” only refers to an adolescent male. Please, look things up for yourself.

Proverbs 22:15 "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him."
Foolishness: folly, foolishness
Bound: to bind, tie, bind together, league together, conspire
Heart: inner man, mind, will, heart, understanding
Child: a boy, lad, servant, youth, retainer
Rod: rod, staff, branch, offshoot, club, sceptre, tribe
Correction: discipline, chastening, correction

Proverbs 23:13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.

Withhold: to withhold, hold back, keep back, refrain, deny, keep restrain, hinder
Correction: discipline, chastening, correction
Child: a boy, lad, servant, youth, retainer
Beatest: to strike, smite, hit, beat, slay, kill
(This word is another great example of where people can say “Oh, Jesus would never want us to kill our children!" )
Rod: rod, staff, branch, offshoot, club, sceptre, tribe
Die: to die, kill, have one executed, to die prematurely (by neglect of wise moral conduct)

Proverbs 29:15 "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame."

Rod: rod, staff, branch, offshoot, club, sceptre, tribe
Reproof: rebuke, correction, reproof, punishment, chastisement
Give wisdom: wisdom,skill (in war), wisdom (in administration), shrewdness, wisdom prudence (in religious affairs) ,(ethical and religious)
Child: a boy, lad, servant, youth, retainer

The Nitty Gritty of Discipline in Our Home

Our home is a place of love, warmth and nurturing. Discipline is just a small part of our family life. As in every family interaction where we try to convey God’s love, forgiveness and our need for a Saviour, discipline is done in the same manner.

Discipline begins with me being an attentive and involved mother. Read more about this in resources under “tomato staking”. If I am around to see how my children are interacting with each other, then I can nip things in the bud, quickly correcting wrong behaviors and teaching correct ones.

We use many forms of discipline in our home. As a parent, you will find that some children are more responsive and learn better from one form of discipline over another. This can also change with age.
Whenever possible, we like the behavior correction to fit the crime. For example if one child purposely steals a toy away from a sibling, we have him return it and then have him also give one of his/her favorite toys to the other child to play with for a while. We find this teaches the principle of restitution just great!
We do not discipline for childishness, instead we teach more appropriate behavior. If Douglas was bouncing up and down in his seat at the dinner table and knocked over a cup of juice we would have him clean it up and point out that often times this is what will happen when we don't sit calmly at the dinner table. Thats all.

What actions call for a spanking in our home?

Basically, just one:Repeated direct obedience.
If I call Christopher to wash his hands before dinner and he looks at me and stomps his cute pudgy foot and says, “NO!” I will say, “Christopher, that is not the right response. I want you to try again. Are you ready to try again? Now, Christopher, please come wash your hands so we can eat dinner.”
If I again get the same response from him, then I will say, “OK, now Christopher, Jesus and Mama want you to be obedient. I am going to help you remember to obey the first time.”
I will sit him down on my lap and have him look at me. We do this in a private place, away from everyone.
“Why do Papa and I discipline our children, Christopher?”
He knows and will answer something along the lines of “the Bible says that if you love your children, you will discipline them.”
We might also talk about the importance of obeying quickly and why this is a wise and safe decision to make. I am not yelling or raising my voice. Christopher is not scared or crying or pulling away from me. We are calm and we love each other.
“Now, Christopher, to help you remember to obey quickly the first time I give you something to do, I am going to give you two spankings. Afterwards we will give hugs and pray.”
Christopher understands what is coming, how many spankings he is going to get and why. He also knows that this discipline ends in more love.
I give him two spankings, just as I said, on his buns with a soft flexible object. Spanking is not hitting the child with your hands, that is hitting.
He cries and we hug. While hugging, we pray. I always pray for myself and for the child. I pray that God gives me wisdom and guidance in being a good Mama and helps me to love Christopher just as God would have me to. I’ve found that humbly asking God to help me really softens the children's hearts and they see that even though I am grown I still need God’s help. I pray that the child would respond to the Holy Spirit speaking to their heart and giving them guidance.
Then we try it all again.
“Christopher, come wash your hands for dinner!” Christopher comes running with a big grin and eyes shining, very proud that he is doing the right thing.

Now, if at any time, I found myself or a child feeling at all angry, we take a time out before disciplining. I’ll have the child sit and look at a book until they calm down. If Sean is home and I am too emotionally charged, he’ll give the discipline.

Disciplining in anger is so damaging. It doesn’t matter if the discipline is a spanking or time out or loss of a privilege.

This said, we do not believe every parent should spank. If a parent has issues with anger to the point that even their words slice and dice, they should not be the parent responsible for administering any form of discipline to their child.

Resources:
http://www.crosswalk.com
http://faculty.biola.edu/paulp/spare_the_rod.htm
http://www.acpeds.org/index.cgi?BISKIT=412519353&CONTEXT=cat&cat=10040%3Cbr%3E
http://home.att.net/~nathan.wilson/spank.htm
http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/default.asp
http://www.family.org/parenting/A000001538.cfm
http://family.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/family.cfg/php/enduser/std_adp.php?p_faqid=775&p_created=1043441348
http://www.citizenlink.org/fnif/A000005997.cfm
http://www.familylifetoday.com/articles/article_detail.asp?id=322&page=1&keywords=spanking
http://www.dougbrittonbooks.com/onlinebiblestudies-parentinghelpandadvice/spankingchildren-bibleinfoforchristianparents.asp
http://www.invitationtochrist.org/family%20focus.htm
http://www.allaboutparenting.org/spanking-as-a-discipline-for-children-faq.htm

Biblical Discipline

How We Discipline Our Children and the basis for our beliefs